Love hurts
by detectiveKiT
Summary: Do you know how it feels like to pour out yopur heart in front of someone who just wants to be friends?
1. Love hurts

Author: detectivekit

Title: Love hurts

Rating: PG-13

Author's Note: This is my first "Law and Order: SVU", above all English fanfic ever. I just experienced this whole stuff all by myself and I needed to write everything down. You know, I tried to liberate myself from all those bad memories. Therefore I used Olivia. Before I start this sad, terrific thing I want to make sure that you know that I really want Alex and Liv to be together, but in this case it was not possible. Sorry. Liv's POV.

Summary: How does it feel like to pour out your heart in front of someone who just wants to be friends?

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Dick Wolf, I do not own anything. I just borrowed those characters and played with them (Olivia is a really good companion in playing dirty strip poker ;-)), but they will get them back by the time I'm done with them...

**Love hurts...**

I told her everything without even knowing the reason for it. My head pushed me to shut up, to close my mouth, to remain silent. But than there was my heart forcing me to come out with the truth, with the hidden feelings deep inside me. It had been a battle, which I knew would have been won by my soul sooner or later.

It was one of those evenings we usually celebrated a won case. This going-out-scenario was a way to calm down and forget about all those crimes, massacres and those outrages pretended to be made out of love. We that mean Elliot, Fin, Munch, the Captain, me and her, Alex, sat around a table, trying to get over this terrifying case that lay behind us. The atmosphere was quite well; otherwise I wouldn't have got myself around to tell Alex how I felt about her.

I don't really know how long I already carried these hidden feelings with me before this night back there in the bar. The first time I laid my eyes on her I knew that it would be a tough job, trying not to fall in love with her. Sometimes I caught myself staring at her when no one would watch. This glasses she wore drove…no, they still drive me crazy. She just looks so damn sexy that it takes every bit of willpower not to take her right then and there on her desk. And with this night I screwed up everything that might have been. No, I don't think that Cabot is into women, not after what she just said; she said without caring about what she did to me. I mean I have never felt so awfully ashamed about myself. Not even at the moment my mother told me my father was a rapist and I was just some product of violence- no love. Maybe that is the reason why I never got into a real relationship. Alex…Damn just thinking about her makes my entire soul cry. My heart arches like fucking hell and I just want to lock myself in my bedroom, never coming out again. That way I would not have to look her in the eyes again. Never ever seeing this disgusting look in her eyes, giving me the impression that I'm the same little bastard my father was.

We started to get good friends. You know, we went to dinner for a few times and we even watched a movie together after a very hard week with perps calling us bitches or something like that. I couldn't tell you what the movie was about even if the president of the US in person had asked me. All I was focused on was this woman sitting next to me. Alex wore one of her shorter skirts, so I had a very good sight of her long legs. I remember imagining kissing and stroking these legs. At some point during the movie she caught me staring at her and I blushed like never before. It took quite some time until I recovered from the frightened look I saw in her eyes - even in the darkness. Maybe Alex already sensed something back there in the cinema. After this night I talked to Elliot. OK, I didn't do it voluntary; he forced me to talk to him and I was kind of too exhausted (You can imagine how much I slept after this movie…), so I had given in very easily. He asked me what was going on with me and everything I could think about was our ADA Alexandra Cabot, as a result I told him.

"Are you trying to tell me that you're in love with our arrogant ADA? Wow, that's way out of what I had imagined…" these were the first words that escaped Elliot after I whispered something incoherent – even to my ears.

"I guess so. I don't know how I could get myself into this shit. I mean just look at her, El, every pore of her screams 'straight'. Plus she's from old money. You know, right from the start I tried to focus on everything but her…Maybe it was her smile, the love for her work, her kicking-ass attitude that finally got under my skin. And now I try to spend as much time with her as humanly possible and at the same time it hurts like hell. Fuck, El, how do I get myself out of this dilemma?" I nearly got myself to tears at this statement. Afterwards I tried to pretend that everything was just fine and Alex never asked. I guess she was too afraid of the answer she might have heard. We got along very well even though it ripped my heart out every time I was around her, but unable to touch her, to reassure her that she would make the case and would get the bastard behind the bars.

The bar was stuffy and crowded but for me it was the paradise because she was sitting next to me. We shared body heat and sometimes she reached for my hand or just smiled at me. I love her smile. It lits her whole face up. But a real smile of hers, the one that reaches her eyes, that was rare. And this night Alex flashed me three. Normally one of those smirks appeared once in a month. This gave me support in gathering the courage to ask her for a conversation. Maybe the mood the usually collected Alex Cabot was in did the rest. Elliot looked over to me and gave me an encouraging smile, implying that I was about to do the right thing. I took a deep breath before I asked her if she hadn't got five minutes for me. I think my exact words were something like this:

"Hey Alex…Do you…I mean, could I may talk to you? I just need five minutes. We don't have to do it right now, so…" I stammered. Before I could get any further, her hand reached for mine and she stood up. Alex smiled widely at me as she said that I absolutely knew how prying she was, so that she couldn't wait any longer. We sidled through the crowd. It took us some time before we finally found a quite place. I was nervous as hell and wasn't able to look her in the eyes. I felt like a child who was going to tell her parents that she did something forbidden. That's why I stared down at my hands as if I had gotten an eleventh finger. My hands were shaking badly as well as sweaty. Alex glanced at me full of expectations, but I couldn't find the right words. I had waited so long to talk to her, to tell her the truth about me. However, through out those scenarios I never had faced Alex in person. Deep down inside me, I hoped that Alex felt the same way about me even though I knew she wouldn't, but a woman can dream, can't she? And I did. I imagined that Alex would look shocked in the first place, but that this expression would be replaced by a touched one at nearly the same moment. I dreamed that she would come closer and closer until our lips would meet one another. I pictured that this kiss would be gently at first and than turn into a more passionate one. I fantasized that we would go out of this bar together, hand in hand, convincing each other that we were pure, deeply and madly in love. God, how wrong had this dream been? I looked up at her starting to realize that I couldn't get away from this situation I had created all by myself.

"Maybe you noticed my curious behaviour lately…back in the cinema or sometime during work. There is a really easy explanation. An explanation that could change everything. An explanation which I'm so damn afraid of. So afraid that I kept it a secret…I just don't know how to start…" Alex glanced even more confused at me. But how do you explain a very straight woman that you have fallen head over heels in love with her –as a woman? That's a question for which I haven't found an answer till right now.

"OK…but I don't really understand what you're talking about, Olivia!" Alex sighed and tried to push me to go on. I glanced over to her and was caught in this deep blue ocean of her eyes. I never recognized just how blue her eyes were till this day. I never recognized how red her lips were, how kissable. They screamed for me, they wanted to be touched by me. At the exact same moment I comprehended that I would never be able to. Everything seemed so unfair…so, it still seems that way. Why do you fall in love with someone and experience the best damn feeling existent when you aren't able to fulfil it? How is it possible that something as sweet and pure as love could turn into something painful and frightening?

"Around you I behave differently…I can't be myself because I'm scared to death. I pretended that everything was fine that my whole soul didn't scream for a release, but I can't go on with it, that's why I needed to talk to you…Maybe I should start with something easier. You know. I…God, I never thought it would be that hard." Again I began to babble without a concrete concept of what to say. I was never ashamed of being bisexual, because this is just who I am. But during some cases involving gay people I got the feeling that Alex wasn't utter tolerant about this way of life. I looked up again. That was when I saw Munch approaching us. I was going to tell this stunning woman in front of me that I had fallen for her and the ol' good Munch was interrupting us. I should have taken this as a premonition!

"Sorry ladies, but have you seen Fin? I need my private chauffeur!" Hell, he did in fact interrupt us for such a nullity. If I hadn't been so focused on my next steps, I would have socked him on the jaw. After Alex and I told him, that we weren't certain about "the actual location of his driver", the blonde already got her attention back to me.

"You were about to tell me something that seems to be very important to you." God, if she had known just how true this was, I assume she wouldn't have pushed me.

"Yeah, that's true. You know, this isn't easy for me. Above all this is because I sensed your attitude towards the whole issue. But I can't stand the pain of hiding any longer." I stopped. That had already been very hard, and I hadn't even started with the root of the matter. I didn't know how I should get through this evening without disgrace. But I had finally made up my mind. And there were no other options. I mean, I couldn't run away or pretend that I'm not in fact Detective Olivia Benson. Right, I'm one of New York's finest Detectives so I couldn't just funk out.

"I'm bisexual…that means in fact, that I swing both ways…I know that this is somehow very surprising for you because I kind of hide my sexuality. I just think that it's no public business…OK…that was the easier part of this conversation, I guess." I wasn't able to look her in the eyes, afraid of what I might have seen there. At least I was talking to ADA Cabot, one of the straightest women I had ever known. The weird thing about this evening was that I never had any ambition to let her know about my sexuality. Sure, I talked to Elliot and we even created a pros-and-cons-list for whether or not to make myself exempt from my dark, painful thoughts. I mean I hadn't done such a thing for almost twenty years. In the end there was the same number of pros and cons and I was more confused than beforehand. I dared to glare at her and what I saw was the expected expression of disgust. I had a lump in my throat and I seemed to be unable to stop my tears from running down my cheeks. Nevertheless, I promised myself not to cry in front of her. I didn't want her to find out that she meant everything to me…to be sincere; she still means that much to me although Alex is the most arrogant, most intolerant, most bitchy person I've ever had the possibility to get to know. But that doesn't prevent me from loving all her good sides. The irrational thing is that I know that I should stop thinking about her. I should try to forget her. But tell me, how is it possible to forget the one that got straight to your heart from the first moment you laid eyes on her? I felt a single tear rolling down my cheek before I continued to get myself into deep doo-doo.

"The reason that I told you this lil' secret is that I…God damn, I face the most violent perpetrators each day, I really should be able to tell you this, shouldn't I?" Before I finished this question, Alex laid her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it lightly. I don't know why she did it, but I know for sure that it didn't help to ease my tenseness. I couldn't stand to feel her that close, so I freed myself from under her touch. I felt like sitting on the fence. On the one hand, I just wanted to tell her and on the other I was afraid to let her in.

"I kept this a secret, even though it is a part of my being. I'm afraid of the consequences that go along with my soul striptease. Why am I so damn terrified about coming out with emotions?" I stopped for a moment before I continued. "Normally, I don't identify myself through out my feelings. I don't let them overwhelm my logic. But those feelings go far too deep to pretend that they don't exist. I know that what I'm about to say right now will change your attitude towards me, but I can't stand the closeness any longer. Alex, I'm in love with you. Yeah, I absolutely mean what I just said. I'm in love with your smile, with your blue eyes; I'm even in love with your kicking-ass-attitude…God, only by saying this I could break out into tears," I swallowed hard. I was worried that my voice would forsake me. But I wanted to go on. I had finally found the words I had been searching for and those damn tears weren't going to stop me from my aim.

"I kept this whole thing private out of shame, because you made a lot of annotations which let me despair. Every time you hurt me; again and again. Every time you ripped out my heart, because in the end you despise me, hate me because of who I am. Just the thought, that in your mind I am something perverse, let me burst into tears. I try to hate you for this, but it seems to be impossible…I tried not to think about it, tried to focus on other things; however, I failed a hundred percent. At the latest, after our movie evening I knew that I had to admit it. Admitting what I tried to fight. Admitting what I tried myself to defend against, tried to block out of my system. But I had already lost the influence on my own feelings. It had been too late…It doesn't matter how hard I try to banish you, I'm not capable to." I chattered. I think in the first instant Alex didn't even believe me. She looked sceptical. I don't know why I was so surprised about this fact. At least I had hidden my way of life from everyone except for Elliot and Kathy. It is ridiculous because I'm a grown woman and I should stand up for who I am. And normally I do so, but Alex is an exquisite example for the kind of humans who doesn't accept me. It aches like hell, much more than anyone could ever imagine. I'm not allowed to be the one I am. I'm not allowed to love the one I have fallen for. The thoughts were running through my head and I had no control over them. When I glanced over to her, I saw the helplessness reflected in her eyes. That was when a wave of sympathy washed through my body and soul. I made her feel uncomfortable. Kicking myself in the ass for it, I hoped desperately for her to say something. I let her in and everything she did was observing me like an eagle the mouse. Finally her lips moved and I felt a shiver going through my body. What did she have in mind? What was she about to tell me? I wasn't ready for her to punish me! And I sure as hell wasn't ready for her to disclose her antipathy for bisexuality.

"That was…is unexpected and I really don't know what you want me to say about this…," she waved her hands and pointed out to me. She couldn't even say it. "You know, I don't really have a problem with you being…bisexual. But I can't return your feelings and I'm on a loss here." Alex crossed her arms in front of her chest and hid her self in her lawyer mood. "If truth be told I don't know what you want me to do. Ok, I understand that you're in love with me, if that is even possible, but that doesn't change anything. And I sure as hell am not bisexual or anything like this. I haven't a clue what you aimed with telling me. I mean, how do you expect me to react?" Alex asked me bewildered. She looked straight at me, but I couldn't dare to look her in the eyes. What should I have answered her? I thought I had made my point clear. I thought I declared that this wasn't about me thinking my feelings were mutual but needing to ease the weight from my shoulders. Why couldn't she see how deep this went? Why couldn't she see how much this affected me?

"I don't expect you to do or say anything about it. All I needed and wanted to do was trying to explain my latest behaviour. I was more than sensible of your straightness and I never dared to hope for you to return those feelings, but I hoped for you to understand. Everything I ask for is…I know that it will be a hard one for me, but I need a little distance so I can suppress my feelings and start over. Therefore I request space." That was harder than exclaiming my love for her. I asked her to stay away from me even though I knew it would eat at me. But that was the only way to get her out of my system. I had seen her nearly each day and I couldn't imagine a week without seeing her and without arguing with her. Could she sense my uneasiness?

"That works for me, because this is a new situation and to be honest I don't know how to handle it. I'm not familiar with a woman falling for me…I feel very uncomfortable and in avoidance of any complications through out our work, we should try to be professional and evade any private involvements." I was shocked at her statement although it was my purpose. I wasn't able to stay in her presence, so I walked back to where Elliot stood, waiting for me. I glared at him and tried to smile, knowing I would fail miserably. He patted my shoulder, trying to give me some support, trying to convince me that I had done the right thing. When he grabbed me I didn't refuse. I was too exhausted, too outworn to rebel against him. Elliot led me out of the bar in the cold night. I froze and I didn't know if it was because of the iciness or because of my emotional breakdown.

"I really did it, El. I really declared my love for her and I feel much more pissed than before. Why did I put myself in this damn situation? I mean what was I thinking about letting the "ice queen" in?" Those were the last words before I broke down and collapsed into Elliot's arms. I don't remember how I got to my apartment. Everything I remember is waking up in my bed, in my lonely bedroom with a splitting headache. In the first moment, I thought that everything had just been a bad dream, before realization settled in. I didn't trust my body to move, that's why I laid completely still. The events from the last evening came back and hit me very hard. You know, when I told her the truth I thought I would feel better afterwards. But it just didn't occur. It was much more the opposite – I felt worse…still feel like an idiot. I had the queasy feeling that I had made the biggest fault of my life. I took a deep breath and saw the two of us standing there in the bar. Myself, how I tried to explain her, what was happening inside me. Alex, how she looked down at me – doubtful and blind. I understood that it had been hard for her to listen to what I had said. But at the same time it had been very hard for me to open up. I couldn't stand my thoughts, running through my head like that, therefore I stood up. I strolled through my apartment, trying to focus on everything but Alex. I wanted to forget her and the only helpful thing that crossed my mind was jogging. I prepared myself for a very long working-out before I left the warmth of my home, heading towards the Central Park. At the moment I took my first step on the ground of the Park I wanted to run in the opposite direction. In front of me was no one but the object of my pain. She looked me up and down. You know like she did look down the perps she examined. From the good colleague to a perpetrator that was definitely an exciting career. I don't know what I saw in her eyes because I hadn't seen this expression ever before. Not even during her worst cross-examinations. After several seconds she continued her jogging without greeting me. It seemed as if I was nothing more but a stranger. How was I supposed to handle it? How was I supposed to bear the thought that I had messed up everything? I watched her, stared sceptical in her direction until I couldn't see her anymore. Had that really happened? I mean, had she really mustered me and than gone back to her working-out as if I hadn't been there? Sure, I asked for distance, but that didn't mean for her to ignore me. It hurt and I felt tears streaming down my face. I started running and running and running. There was so much anger and frustration inside me and that had to get out. I don't know how long I just jogged without recognizing my surroundings, but I finally ended up in front of her building. I wanted to go upstairs to her apartment, explaining her, what she did to me. That was when I saw her with some friends of hers. Laughing, smiling, and joking. I wanted to be the one who makes her smile, who makes her feel comfortable. Again she looked me up and down as if I was nothing more than a bagger. I got the hint and turned on my heels. I glanced over my shoulder for a last time, but Alex was already back with her friends, leaving me alone. Leaving me out there in the big ocean where she had thrown me in.

The next week at work Alex continued her ignorance and left me suffering. Suffering for who I am and who I love. We barely talked to one another. Just in case of professional matters. I know, that it was the way I wanted it. What I haven't known back there in the bar was that it would hurt that badly. You know, I didn't even dare to look at her, not wanting to make her feel even more uncomfortable. My only presence already did that to her. Now, seven month after I let her in, it's still the same. We still don't talk to one another. I still pretend that it doesn't bother me. But what's so much more important, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach when I catch her sight. I still can't get her out of my mind. Alex is still the woman I want to be with till the end of my days. And on the other hand, I hate her. I hate her for shutting me out. I hate her for not accepting me the way she should do – as a friend. But above all I hate me for believing in her, for trusting her.

Just because I wanted her to know the truth I threw everything away. Everything that might have been is out of my hand now. I don't know the reason for telling her the truth, for letting her in. I should have recognized that she didn't want to. Now I stand here in the cold, pretending not to feel. I pretend that she hadn't ripped out my heart. I pretend I hadn't seen the smile on her face when she did so. But who am I to fool myself? Love hurts. I never wanted to experience this all by myself, knowing HOW true those words are.

FIN

A/N: Thanx to everyone around for inspiring me (Maria (Elliot), Caro and whoever is out there who wants to be named). You know, most thanks go to Sophie (Alex) because without her this story would have never worked out that way. So thanks for hurting me without any regret till this very day.


	2. Love hurts like fucking hell

Author: detectivekit

Title: Love hurts…like fucking hell!

Rating: PG-13

Author's Note: To read this one you need to go through "Love hurts" beforehand. I know most of you hate the idea of Alex being homophobic and believe me I do as well, but someone needs to hold the baby. Olivia's POV.

Summary: Olivia tries to stay sane while being treated like a contagious disease.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, wish I would…but then it would be much more a threesome rofl Those implied characteristics have got nothing to do with the characters on the show; otherwise I wouldn't love Alex that much.

**Love hurts…like fucking hell**

I feel so lost that I don't know where I belong to. I feel lost without a buoy to hold on to. I feel lost in a deep, wide sea. A sea with the blue of her eyes. The eyes of the woman who took my heart away. My heart, my soul and everything that I used to be. Used to be because I am no longer able to stay the way I had been before the "special night" as I call it these days.

I sigh and stand up, heading to the kitchen. At first I want to pour me a glass of scotch, but I know better than to drown my sorrow in drink. That's what I used to do before her. Now even getting drunk seems to be useless. The emptiness inside me just won't disappear. It hunts me; just like her smile when I try to close my eyes, to sleep. But in contrast to the hole in my heart, sleep never follows me. I grab a water bottle from the countertop and head back to the couch, lying down and closing my eyes.

The "special night" crosses my mind again for the umpteenth time this night. How could I tell her? How could I believe in her? I never should have done so. I never should have let her in; letting her look behind my everlasting mask. I guess it was because she was the first one that really impressed me. I was awed by her as I was by my ex-girlfriend. Maybe even more. But she doesn't deserve my love. I have to repeat this sentence again and again, until I finally believe it.

Since that night we hadn't a real conversation. Ever. The only reason we met was to testify or anything else containing cases. Even than she was as cold as ice towards me. She didn't look at me. She didn't speak to me but the detective who worked her cases. But than again, what had I expected? I asked her to stay away from me. I asked her to take the best thing that ever happened to me away. Nevertheless I didn't ask her to leave me lying on the floor bleeding.

Once more I wonder what would have happened, if I hadn't told her the truth. Would we still be friends? Would I feel better? That's for sure! At least I wouldn't lie on my couch on a friday night while the guys and Alex are celebrating a won case. Yes, that's what it is like now – my life. I put every bit of my energy in the cases. I work myself to death for every victim that enters the squad's entrance. That way all thoughts, considering Alex, stay out of my mind. That's until I come back to my apartment. Until I see how lonely I am. I think my apartment just reflects the person I'm nowadays. I'm alone, empty. My thoughts are dark. Just like the apartment when the night settles in and I'm too burnt out to stand up and turn on the lights. Sometimes it feels as if my life became a big black hole. Everything that ever meant something to me is soaked up by the monstrous hole. I try to cling onto the things I most need. But it seems as though they already slipped out of my hand.

I abruptly open my eyes, not liking the direction in which my thoughts are running. I need to focus on the things I still have in my life. I sit up and shiver. All of a sudden I feel cold. I take the blanket, lying on the other end of the couch and wrap it around my body. I stare in the black nothing of my apartment. How could everything end up this way?

You know, when I'm in a room with her I'm determined to look everywhere but at her. I just can't lay eyes on her, because once I'd do so, I would be lost. Sure I look over to her, observing her from the corner of my eyes. However, I never do really look at her. If you had asked me what she wore the last time I saw her I wouldn't have been able to answer you. I'm just too afraid to let my gaze wander about her body. Most of all because I could get caught by her and I'm terrified that she would think less of me than she already does. If that's ever possible.

I hate it but I just do what she does: thinking less of myself, I mean. I start to wonder, why Alex treats me the way she does. Is it because I'm not worth a friendship? Is it because I don't deserve some happiness in my life? Is it because I'm who I am? Some rapist's fault. Some gay woman. Someone who drinks to stay sane. Sometimes I brood if I should change the person I am. The most basics of Olivia Benson. Maybe with those changes I would have more than only a dozens of friends.

George told me that changing myself for other people wouldn't help me. But when I asked him, WHAT would help me, he just sat there, staring at me. But I didn't let him in at all. Not the way I should have. I didn't tell him that I cry every night. I didn't tell him that I haven't slept through a whole night for eight months. I didn't tell him that I fear to fall apart. Yeah, that's what the worst of all of this. I'm frightened that some day I'm going to lose it. That I lose it and just pull the trigger. Who would be there to rescue me? Nobody! A single tear runs down my face and I know I'm just two steps away from breaking down.

Every now and then I try to picture Alex, finding me this way. Me- everything but the strong caring detective. How would she react? Would she feel sorry for me? Would she feel guilty? Would she run the opposite direction, not knowing how to handle all of this? Would she look down at me, being ashamed of the embarrassingly breakdown of a co-worker? I opt for the latter.

I look at the clock above the TV. 9:48 p.m. it reads. I guess they're still at the bar, having quite some fun – without me. I already rejected two invitations to celebrate a won case with the silliest of silly excuses. I just can't stand the bitchy way Alex treats me. Mostly, because it seems as though she pulls all of my friends away. I know that sounds ridiculous but it just feels that way. Elliot seems to be much more comfortable with Alex at the very moment than he feels around me. I know he would never admit it but I guess it's got something to do with the "special night". Maybe it's just the whole straight-thing. He's straight, Alex's straight. That way Alex got more in common with him than I. My sexuality had never been a problem between the two of us, but at the very moment I can't come up with a better explanation for our separation. Perhaps he just got to terms about our friendship and concluded that he no longer needs me as a friend. Somehow I'm angry with Alex because of this. She steals everything away from me. Not just my self-confidence, my heart, my soul, my self-esteem but my friends and my very own things that belonged to my life.

But there's not just Elliot. There are Munch and Fin, too. I found an explanation for Elliot, or at least I think I did, but what's it about Fin and Munch I'm not sure. I can't put it on the "special night" because they don't know about it. That's why I assume it's got something to do with me. It has to be. Is it my sarcasm? I know a lot of people can't handle it. I really know that. But the four of us had a great deal of laughs because of my kind of humour. There are so many memories we've got. Memories I know for sure they don't share with Alex. But it's still me who's left behind. Every time I have to remind me that I put myself in this position. Maybe I should really consider the whole changing option.

I stand up, delivering myself from the blanket and go over to the window. During my monologue I didn't recognize that it had started raining. It is as if Heaven is crying with me. I stare out the window, seeing people heading home, heading home to their loved ones. Single raindrops are running down my window just like my tears are streaming down my face. I put my forehead down against the cool of the window. I take deep breaths, trying to regain my control. I'm not used to cry, I'm not used to tears. But above all I'm not used to feel lost.

I wonder if Alex still carries some of our memories with her. Is she still thinking about me? Sometimes when she listens to a song we both loved or when she watches some TV show we used to talk about over lunch? I do hope so from the bottom of my heart but I know that she isn't. It's me who's suffering over all those memories, those happenings I used to live for. The sound of her laugh is still ringing in my ears. I still see her, flashing a smile towards me when I made some stupid remark about Donnelly's clothes. I still see her deep blue eyes. Those eyes which shimmered with tears when she told me that Trevor had broken up with her. I still feel her shiver in my arms when I held her, when I tried to sooth her. How can she forget all of this? How can she just sweep me away from her mind? Didn't I mean anything to her? Not even the smallest of a bit?

I sit back down on the couch and see my cell phone. I wonder how Elliot would react when I called him now. Maybe he would come over and try to ease my pain. No, I guess he would tell me that everything was just fine and that I worry too much. Would I believe him? No, I stopped believing in other people when Alex pushed me away because of who I am.

Sure she already tried to convince me, that her distance towards me had nothing to do with my sexuality. But be honest, would you believe her? No. See that's just what I don't, too! During this conversation she stood there; cold as ever. Alex stood there, telling me that she never really liked me. She stood there, telling me that I never mattered in her life, never had and never will. She stood there, telling me that she just pretended that we were good friends because she didn't want to destroy whatever freedom existed in our squad. As if that hadn't already been enough, Alex explained that she hated my sarcasm. In the end she called me a "player". A player. Someone who doesn't show her feelings. Someone who doesn't care about other human's feelings. That's what SHE said to ME. She who doesn't care a hang about what she did and still does to me. She who threw me away like an old dull she no longer needed. She who pretended all along that she felt comfortable in my presence. I was speechless, my mouth wide opened and I didn't know how to respond. Throughout all my training during the police academy I had never been prepared for such a situation.

I slam my fist against the couch table in front of me. I don't feel the pain. I don't feel anything. All I feel are my tears rolling down my cheeks. Hot and wet against my sensible, dry skin. How do I survive this darkness? How do I get through all this bullshit? Who is there to rescue me? Am I able to go on with my life? I glance over to the small table in the hall and see my gun…

FIN

A/N: That was my sequel. I hope you liked it even though it was a little…sad. Feedback is

welcomed as ever. Most thanks go to George (Caro/Susi), to Elliot (Maria), Fin (Franzi), Munch (Denise) and again to Alex (Sophie).


	3. like fucking hell and it won't stop

Title: Lover hurts…like fucking hell and it won't stop

Author: detectivekit

Rating: NC-17 - maybe somethin' less

Author's Note: For the end of "Love hurts…like fucking hell": Liv occupied herself with cleaning her gun (Pleased? devilish smile) There seems to be an endless continuation of this fanfic…somehow it becomes my very own autobiography. This time I've been inspired by my prom night. Alex's still homophobic; therefore I'm sorry once more. Liv's PoV.

Summary: Liv has to go to a charity performance and is mesmerized by a blonde woman who has been ignoring her for what seems like a lifetime.

Disclaimer: I guess with Alex acting like that, the show would have been dropped from the program by now. That's why I'm glad that I don't own them. Unfortunately my life belongs to me.

**Love hurts…like fucking hell and it won'****t stop**

I still don't know why I've to go to this event. I'm a NYPD cop and not some celebrity who has to show her face around. I frown and stare at the mirror in front of me. I used to think of me as a good-looking woman. Now, everything I see is a completely buggered bundle. A bundle of limbs without any life inside them. There are two or three pounds on my hips which weren't there the last time I took a closer look at myself. There are shadows under my eyes, no make-up could ever cover. I don't see anything when I look at my eyes. There's nothing but emptiness. I gaze down at my dress. I haven't worn such a thing for a little while and it feels strange against my skin. It feels odd against the skin of my breasts, against the skin of my tights. I hate this dress. Don't get me wrong, it looks awesome, but still it does not fit very well with me. It's a shimmering green. Green - the color of hope. I laugh bitterly. Hope? That's something that faded months ago.

Again I stare at the mirror but I don't see me any longer. It's her who's now smiling at me. This radiant smile she used to send towards me, when we were chatting easily. God, I remember so many moments we shared. So many memories are spinning around in my mind. Memories which leave me alone, shivering in the cold of my bedroom. Every time I was around her I seemed to be at ease. I can't even explain why she was capable to do this to me. I turn around, falling against my closet. I sit down on my floor, swaying back and forth. I close my eyes, trying to banish her from my thoughts.

I doubt that Alex knows what she's doing to me. I doubt that she knows that I'm falling to pieces. I shatter into a million small parts, no one's ever going to be able to put together again. I crumble into a big puzzle of thousands and thousands of pieces. But the problem about this puzzle is that there are missing parts. Those missing parts which used to belong to my heart. My heart with the enormous hole inside.

I sigh and step out of my bedroom. To be honest, I'm afraid to go to this charity thing. Not because I'm afraid of getting bored to death. No, it's because I'm going to see Alex. Alex in a dress. I'm already all hot and sweaty when she does wear one of her business suits. But with Alex in a dress I'm not sure if I can take my eyes off of her.

With everything I've gone through because of Alex, I shouldn't think about her anymore. Believe me, that's what I'm trying to do all along. And it works – most of the time. But than I'm alone in my apartment and I wonder what it would be like if she were there with me. How do her lips taste like? What does it feel like to stroke her face? And now imagine those thoughts while accompanying today's event. I shake my head.

I put the keys in my little black purse and head out of my apartment, leaving it lonelier than ever. I hail a cab, clad to have the chance to get drunk tonight. Getting drunk will give me the possibility not to think about the suck-up who's going to be with Alex. That way I don't have to feel the ache inside my heart when he lays his hands around her waist and she's all smiling. I feel tears built up deep inside my soul, but I promised myself not to cry over her again, ever. That's why I swallow down the lump in my throat and stare out into the bright black darkness.

That's how it feels like inside me. Blackness. Emptiness. Void. There's no light. No light to illuminate me through the darkness. I'm in the middle of a dusky nothing. No matter how far and how fast I run I'm not able to find the way out. I've felt this way since my mother told me that my father was a rapist and that my procreation had nothing to do with love. But there had always been something to enlighten my fears. And for quite some time it had been Alex. One of her smiles and I knew I would make it through the rest of the day. One touch and I knew I would be able to make it through the rest of the week. Now there's nothing like this. There's no smile, no touch.

I wish I could take away my words from that 'special night'. I wish I hadn't said those things to her. I wish I had left my feelings enclosed. I wish my mother hadn't told me to be honest all the time. The friendship we would have had now wouldn't be one of total loyalty. There would be no loyalty because she's not able to accept me in every single way. Accepting something as natural as the oxygen we need to live. But I wouldn't know that. Above all, I would still be happy. Happy to be around her, happy to muck around with her. Nevertheless, 'what if''s won't help me. But seriously is there anything that's going to help me? Is there anything that's able to take my pain away? The pain I feel since ten months, since forever.

Lost in thoughts I don't recognize that the cab has come to an abrupt halt. It doesn't register to me until the driver calls me. I give him the money, not caring about my change. I step out of the car and freeze, feeling the cold air on my exposed skin. I walk into the hotel and into the hall booked for the charity. I'm greeted by Elliot and Kathy. I'm glad that she accompanied him.

The atmosphere between Elliot and me is still freezing. As freezing as the air outside. There hasn't been a proper talk since the 'special night' and I'm afraid that there will never be such a thing again. The worst thing about it is that I know for sure that these things don't register to him. Sometimes I wonder if I should talk to him about it. But I fear that if I do so, Elliot won't stand to be my partner anymore. And that's the only thing that I still have at the very moment. It's something I hold onto. It's something I can't risk. Above all I still remember very vividly what my last talking had caused.

We go over to the SVU table together, with the Captain, Fin and Munch already sitting about it. I smile at them, knowing that it's never going to reach my eyes. That's something that hasn't happened in a very long time. I haven't laughed for what seems like an eternity. An eternity without happiness. Every time I ask myself how I could allow Alex do this to me. Why does she have this control over me? I'm a grown woman; it should take more than some homophobic snob to tear down all of my walls and make me some weak enemy of my own. An enemy of my feelings. Feelings that seem to be able to do things no perp has ever done. There had never been a perp who caused suicidal thoughts. And now I seem to live with them on an everyday basis.

I sit down next to Munch, knowing that he's going to occupy my mind with his crazy stories. I order myself a glass of some rich, red wine. The name of it all forgotten when I see her walk into the room. The image that welcomes me, takes my breath away. I can hardly blink, afraid that the moment I'll do so, she disappears. I know that the guys around the table properly think, that I'm staring, but I could care less at the moment. I don't care, if she catches me staring or some attorney or whoever is taking place in this party. All I know is that this picture is going to stay with me forever.

Alex wears some apricot-colored, strapless dress. I'm not able to avert my gaze from her cleavage. The skin of her collarbone is flawless. Without ever having touched her there, I'm sure that her skin is as soft as shining velvet. Her throat is graceful and even from afar I see that she had used some glittery make-up. I feel my fingers running down her neck up to the front, drawing circles on their way to the valley between her breasts.

I snap out of my bubble and stare right at her face. The face that's following me in my dreams. The face I once fell in love with. The face I'm still in love with. Her hair is pinned up about her head, leaving just a few strands hanging down onto her shoulders. I've never seen her with such a hairstyle but it looks amazingly good on her. A real eye-catcher is her mouth. Her lips are as red as I've never seen them before. I close my eyes, willing my gaze to stay on the people around. When I open my eyes once again, Alex's all gone.

I'm sitting here for nearly two hours now, and I'm already sick and tired of it. I haven't seen Alex again so far, for what I'm more than grateful. I stand up, heading towards the toilettes. I wash my hands while staring at my own reflection. The reflection hasn't changed since the time in my bedroom. The only thing that's different is my flushed cheeks, caused by the alcohol. The alcohol from which I've so desperately hoped it would take Alex away from my mind, from my heart. I open the door, ready to pretend once again, when there's someone else's hand on the outside door handle.

I look up and stare at the blue ocean of Alex's eyes. Her features are hard, radiating nothing but iciness. Her lips curl into a thin line, while her eyes are as hard as steel, showing no sign of sympathy. There's no nod, implying that she recognized a friend's presence. For the first time since the 'special night' I stare right back at her with the same expression on my face. The same half-heartedness is reflected in my eyes. But I know that this wall I built up is thin and is going to crumble as soon as I'm on my own. On my own, seeing Alex's expression again and again.

The instant we pass one another, I flee towards the hall and take my purse, ready to put this horrible evening to an end. My departure is not recognized. No one bothers if I stay or go. No one cares if I accompany them or not. No one wonders what's going on. No one tries to hold me back. No one tries to comfort me. Words of comfort which I so desperately need. Comfort for which my heart is aching. Ache from which I don't know how much longer I can stand it. I hail a cab and drive back to my apartment. Back to my loneliness. Back to my cocoon.

I break down inside the car, crying as hard as never before. Tears are running down my cheeks. The brook becomes a flash flood. I try to swallow down the lump but I'm not longer able to. The tears I had held back once over all those years, are crashing down. Crashing down, leaving me a picture of misery. The misery I put myself into. I know for sure, that I'll never declare my love to someone again. Alex made sure that I'll never open up again. Alex made sure that those facades around me become thicker. Thicker, with no chance to break through.

I collapse onto my bed, close my eyes; put my hands over my ears, trying to evade myself from this world. What have I done in my former life to deserve this? I already went through a rough childhood with my father being a rapist and my mother being an alcoholic and now this.

I had always been afraid to say what I feel. I was scared that because of those weaknesses people would think less of me. In particular I feared that they would reject me for who I am and in the end that just happened. But why? Why can't Alex stand to be in my presence? Does she think I would rip down her clothes once she gets too near? Are those HER fears? Or is it something else?

I don't know why I still try to find explanations for her behavior, for her ignorance. I try to tell myself that she's just too occupied to talk to me. I try to convince me that she's too busy to realize what she's doing to me. What she does to me without regret, without guilty conscience. But then I comprehend that she's just one of the most careless people I've ever met. Pure and simple. I'm not the one who's on Alex's mind when she's alone in her apartment late at night. Alex doesn't think about me when she hears some campy love song. It's just me who is suffering about the impossibility of a relationship. A relationship? I don't know if I would have been capable, but I know that I would have done everything to make it work.

Alex has been on my mind for over a year now and it is hard to throw her out. I just don't know who is able to fit in this big hole in my heart and soul. But I know that I have to let go of her, if not for my own sake than for the sake of my work.

With those realizations I stand up and head into the bathroom, stripping down the dress on my way. I step into the shower, letting hot water streaming down my face, further down my naked body. The image of Alex in this apricot-colored dress comes to my mind. I see her, striding towards me with a smile on her face. I feel her hands upon my shoulders, stroking lightly over my skin. I gasp, closing my eyes for a second. I take a deep breath and open them again, receiving the picture of a naked Alex in front of me. Her smile is shy, warm, seductively. Everything at the same time. I can't take my eyes off of her lips, imagining how good they must feel, how they must taste.

The water's getting cold, when I feel my fingers circling around one of my nipples. I fall against the cold wall of my shower; picturing Alex would be here with me. I fantasize that her body is pressed against mine. I feel the wetness rushing down my core. I take one of my nipples between my index finger and my thumb and twirl it, while the flat palm of my other hand is caring the other one. I groan loudly. I let one of my hands wander down my body, imagining it is Alex's. I touch the oversensitive skin of my abdomen, picturing Alex's lips trailing down kisses there. One finger slips inside the wetness, making long, slow strokes. I push two fingers inside of me, while I press my thumb against my clit. I feel the orgasm build up inside of me. I thrust my hips against the motion of my hand, moaning Alex's name like a mantra. I come hard and fast, crying out the name of the love of my life, when the waves of pleasure subside. I slide down the tiled wall behind me. I pull my legs towards my breasts, laying my arms about them.

I'm lost in my cold, freezing bathroom. Lost with my own dark thoughts. Thoughts of the woman who branded me as some social outcast. Am I the bastard Alex sees in me? Someone who's not life worth, just because I love women instead of men. Plainly because I can't afford the things the society demands of me. But can those people dictate me what to feel? Can strangers tell me what's right and what's wrong? At the other hand, can something like love be accused of being 'wrong' at all? Above all, why do I feel wrong and ugly? I feel as if I'm not human at all. I feel as though I'm a big mistake made by God himself to see what a single human is able to bear.

If that's what love's supposed to feel like I don't want to experience it. Never. I'll stay forever single if that saves me from this pain. I mean, in the end every relationship ends, is damned to fail. Why put yourself through this shit? Just for some piece of happiness? One single second filled with bliss and millions and millions of seconds filled with sorrow.

It's getting cold, leaving me shivering on the ground of the shower cubicle. I step out of it and take a towel to dry myself. I walk over to the sink, seeing the razor blade lying on its surface. For the umpteenth time since quite a number of months I wonder what's left to live for. I take the blade while staring at my own reflection in the mirror…

Fin

A/N: Some people said that killing Liv is not an option, so here we are. I hope you liked it even though there is still no one else on Olivia's side. It's just that I try to keep this as real as an autobiography. As soon as I meet someone, I'll take care of Liv, I promise.

I plead for feedback with all my naïve, empty, German heart. Thx so far.


	4. And it won't stop never ever

Title:Love hurts…like fucking hell and it won't stop; never ever!

Author:detectivekit

Rating:PG-13

Author's Note:I've been to the birthday-party of a very close friend of mine…I had to be there and –damn- Sophie as well. It was one of the _most horrible nights_ I've ever experienced. But in the end, it has been the last time I'd to face her and that's the _best thing_ ever happening to me.

I've no idea how a transform in case of the police processes, so I'm sorry for the turn the story took.

Summary:Liv is invited to a party at Elliot's, where she's facing Alex for the last time ever.

Disclaimer:God, I do love **my** sexy Det. Benson except that she's just not mine.Never had been and never will be, so what else's there to charge me for?

**Love hurts…like fucking hell and it won't stop; never ever!**

I look at the clock, assuring myself that there is still an hour left until I'm going to face her again. Again, but for the last time ever. Somehow I feel relieved, knowing that she's never going to take place in my life again. I won't have to be in the same room like her again, feeling as being non-existent. Non-existent because she's not even able to look me in the eyes while saying hello to me. Saying hello to me, but wishing I wasn't there. I already put a blouse and some fitting jeans on, and now I'm counting the minutes until the end of my own nightmare.

The decision I came to was the most difficult I ever had to make. I'm going to leave my friends behind, my job, my habits, my whole life. Everything, because of some homophobic bitch who turned my life into a torture, turned my world upside down. Someone who I believed in, who I trusted with my life, with my everything. But Alex betrayed my trust. Alex took my self-assurance away. She snatched the devotion from me and threw it into the garbage, leaving it lying between my ripped out heart and my lost trust.

I just can't stand the pain any longer. Therefore I need to draw a final stroke. I need to leave my sorrow behind. Behind, so that I can start over. Start over to forget about my past, turning me into a picture of misery. I don't want to be reminded of the things I can't have every sec' I see her. Every single minute I'm next to her, I feel my heart aching; aching for something that's unattainable.

I tried to distract myself by drinking myself nearly to unconsciousness, working almost 24 hours per day, running until I had stitches in the side. Nothing worked. It seems to be hopeless. It's as though I've been captivated in a cell, with no one finding me. No one's there to get me out of the confinement; out of the darkness. The only one who is able to release me is I. I've to pull myself out of the shadows of the world all by myself. I glance over to the clock again and stand up, ready to put the gloom to an end.

When Elliot had asked me to come to some BBQ, I wasn't sure whether to agree or not. In the end I thought it would be great to have a possibility to say goodbye to everyone. As I had told Elliot, I would leave and move into another city, he just stared at me. Elliot tried to hold me back, for a second or two, before he said that it might be a good chance to get to terms with myself. Ten minutes later the whole squad knew about my coming departure. However, there had been no one who seemed to be sad or who tried to talk me into staying. Well, what did I expect? That people would mourn over my leaving? That Alex would try to hold me back? That she would apologize and we would get involved? Stupid, stupid, stupid!! But it's the right decision nevertheless.

I close the apartment door behind me and go downstairs, taking long deep breaths. I can do this. I'm not going to doubt my plans for the future. I've been only a shadow of my former self for far too long. Something's going to change and I know I can do it. While convincing myself , I get into the car and head for Elliot's.

I ring the bell and am greeted by a smiling Elliot. He steps towards me and takes me into his arms. It feels as though nothing has changed. It's as if the connection between the two of us was never broken. He whispers in my ear that he wishes me good luck and that he's happy to know me. Since months I feel comfortable in his presence. It's amazing. I glance over his shoulder and see Kathy standing there, smiling warmly at me.

Together we go over into the garden and sit down. For the first time since forever I enjoy myself and my environment. I enjoy that I'm alive. Alive, although I nearly committed suicide. The bell rings and Elliot goes over to open it. I already hear Munch talking to Fin and smile at Kathy who just rolls her eyes. The three guys settle down around the table and I look intensely at them.

Munch starts talking about his new found love, about being happy as never before. While he keeps telling us the story of the first meeting with the woman, called Claire, El stares fondly at Kathy and she has just the same expression on her face. That's when Fin interrupts Munch to reveal his secret. God, that's just not true. Tell me, that I'm dreaming and that I'll wake up any minute. Why do they have to talk about something as painful as love right now? This evening is just a damn roller coaster. First I'm surprised by Elliot's kindness and then I'm greeted by the depth of my pain.

I take a deep breath and am ready to divert the conversation into another direction when we're interrupted by the bell again. Now, I feel my whole body begin to shake. A shiver runs down my spine and I just want to run away. What did I think to come here tonight? She will treat me the same way she had done all along and I'll be crying the whole night again. I just didn't think this through, damn it.

When I look up, she walks around the table, saying hello to everyone. Well, I'm wondering whether she greets me too or not. Alex goes around and reaches her hand out towards me. I take her hand and shake it, seeing that she looks everywhere but at me. The contact of our hands is gone, with me barely recognizing the touch. Alex can't even look at me; not for a single second. I'm not able to look into her beautiful blue eyes. She doesn't give me the possibility to see the most awesome color I've ever laid eyes onto. But why? Does she think that I drool all over her, the moment she looks at me? I've to admit that I'm already surprised that she shook hands with me. I don't know the last time we did so. Her skin felt so soft against the palm of my hand. I glance dreamily down at it. Okay, I've got to regain my composure back, because this is the last time I spend together with the whole squad.

I follow Alex's every move with my eyes and feel as though somebody gripped me by my throat, making it impossible for me to breath. She's so at ease with Kathy and that's the worst thing. I could have been in Kathy's place, if I hadn't let my feelings overwhelm my logic. I could have laughed with her, I could have made her smile, I could have let her feel this easiness. But I can't, I just can't anymore.

Except for Alex not even glancing at me for once, the evening is alright. Elliot takes care of me and George, who came by too, stays at my side so that I don't have to face the party all alone. I've stared at Alex for quite some time now and the bad thing is that she still looks unbelievable amazing. I just don't know why I still think she's the most sexy, most beautiful woman in the world. But she is. She's perfect. Everything about her is perfect: her face, her lips, her eyes, her body. God, her body.

I guess if she had come over, asking me to sleep with her, I would have said yes. Alex had caused me more pain than anyone else, but I would have wanted to show her what she missed by rejecting me. I would have showed her that being licked by a woman is much better than being fucked by a man. While I imagine those scenarios, Alex sits down across from me.

She wears a black blouse, complimenting her figure perfectly. A blue jeans show off her ass in a way that makes me want to squeeze it. Some long necklace completes the picture of my own goodness. Her long curls hang down onto her shoulders, leaving me wondering how it feels like to wrap my fingers into her hair. Alex had applied just some make-up, emphasizing her blue orbs. I admire her as openly as I'm able to, considering that the Cap's here too.

I laugh out loud, when George makes some stupid joke, just to let her see that I'm alright without her. I only want to show her that I don't need her any longer, that I don't cry over her. Sure, I've cried over her. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights that I'm afraid that's the only way for me to fall asleep. But I no longer let her see me through. That happened way too often in the last months.

The party comes to an end, approaching my farewell. I'm not depressed, because I'm looking forward to a new life. I'm delighted to have the chance to turn my being from darkness into sunshine. I'm unbelievable content to get my life back into my hand, to hog it out of Alex's palms. I'm finally able to live again.

But who am I to kid myself? It'll be hell in the first months. I'm not too naïve to think that moving into another city is going to erase all of my problems. Just because I don't have to see Alex everyday doesn't mean that she'll never crosses my mind again. She'll be haunting me silently in the nights like she's doing it these days. Every time I see some blonde woman who wears a power suit just like her, my heart will hurt immensely. But it'll be easier. Easier because I don't see the real thing again. The real thing, letting me feel the real pain. The pain caused by the most incidental but in the same moment the most painful feeling in the world.

Everyone stands up and together we head to the door. It feels surreal. At the moment I just don't understand that I'll never see the guys again. Never be able to just sit in some cop bar together, drinking and forgetting about some brutal case again. I will never ever spend a funny picnic with Elliot, Kathy and the kids once more. I look around and see the same expression on Elliot's face. Even the captain seems to be a little sad, making me realize that there are people who care about me. There are people to whom I matter. There are people who just wish me the best. I bite my lower lip and smile at them. How could I doubt about them? Well, I guess it's true: The eyes of love are blind. Alex kept my eyes shut, leaving me alone in my murky cell, segregating me from my friends. She made me think that I'm not worth a friendship. She made me think that I'm some bastard who's doomed to be left alone with no one to hold onto.

We're standing in quite a warm summer night, saying goodbye to one another. I embrace Fin and Munch and even the cap. Everyone tells me that they don't want me to leave, but that they understand. That surprises me because they don't really know the reason but still they respect my decision, what's amazing. I hug El even though we're going to see each other tomorrow to have a last proper talk. I glance over to Alex who's standing a little away from the group. She's not looking at us; she doesn't seem to be disappointed, not even a little. I thought, she would feel slightly guilty for the things she did to me, but she doesn't. I know it shouldn't surprise me but it does nevertheless. I take a deep breath and scream so that she's able to hear me.

"Goodbye Alex..." there's no reaction so I try it a little louder for a second time: "Goodbye Alex. A little more euphoria here, please. You finally get rid of me!" I say fair in her face, still being separated from her by several steps. I don't care about what the others may think. I said those words, meaning every little piece of them. There are so many other things I want to say to her, but I bite my tongue. It wouldn't help me after all, making me just as bad a person as Alex herself.

"That was completely unnecessary!" Alex states moments later. Well, that's more of a reaction than I thought I would receive. But still there's no apologize, no guilty exclaiming, no soothing words from her. Those cold last words will stay with me forever. I will remember them by heart; because it's the last time I heard her voice. The voice I so desperately hoped to hear, moaning my name in ecstasy.

I glance at her for the very last time, taking in the picture of the woman who hurt me deeply. The picture of the woman who made me smile in my dreams. The woman I could stare at forever more. Stare at and would never get tired of. I take in her silhouette in the dim light of the street lamp. God, I need to avert my gaze from her.

I sit down in my car and start the engine. I stare in front of me, trying to calm down my faster heartbeat. My grip around the steering wheel tightens, turning my knuckles white. From here on starts my new life. As soon as I step on the gas, I leave my past behind. Not Alex will get rid of me but I of her. I stare up at the sky and see a shooting star. I smile and close my eyes, wishing to finally start over…

FIN

A/N:That's the final part. You'll never have to read about a homophobic Alex again!! At least not from me…

Those things Liv and Alex said were really exchanged between me and Sophie…But I WANT to leave Germany, what's got nothing to do with Sophie. So the decision is not a big deal for me. I'm heading for Canada (work-and-travel) next January and I'm looking forward to it.

I'd like some feedback 'cause it enlightens my day wink


	5. A glimpse of you

Author:detectivekit

Title:A glimpse of you _**or:**_ Love hurts…like fucking hell and it won't stop, never ever, not even after four months of not seeing her

Rating:PG

Spoiler:either "Loss" or my "Love hurts"-series

Author's Note:Well…uh-huh I hadn't seen Sophie in four months and tried to vanish her from my thoughts. That worked until some days ago when I met her in the hospital. I accompanied my little bro' to the university hospital 'cause he had broken his arm quite complicated. We headed to the radiology and there she was…

Either way you can see this fic as an equally thing (then it takes place four months after "Loss") or as the sequel to my "Love hurts"-series.

Summary:Olivia's working on a case which brought her into another town. She sits in a hospital, waiting for the doctor to clarify a victim's condition, when she recognizes someone she hadn't seen in a long time.

_**or:**_Olivia started a new life in Colorado Springs four months ago, when suddenly the reason for her leaving comes along.

Disclaimer:Except for Sophie, who I'm not allowed to call 'mine', everything belongs to Dick Wolf…

**A glimpse of you**

I sat there and you didn't recognize me. Or did you and you just didn't want to acknowledge it? I sat there, being taken aback by your presence, by your beauty. How was I supposed to react? How was I supposed to maintain my composure with you being in the same room? I sat there open-mouthed, not knowing whether my eyes betrayed me or not. My eyes landed on your face, firm and hard as if there were no emotions under the surface. Then, just as fast as you had appeared you vanished into thin air.

I looked around myself, trying to make sense of the whole situation. You couldn't have passed by here. The chance of meeting you in that place was as little as the chance of winning the lottery and with my luck this wasn't going to happen in this lifetime. I looked around myself, wondering if it really had been you. However, the evidences were right in front of me: shaking hands, racing heartbeat, trembling legs and sweating palms.

You didn't say hello to me, neither did you nod your head, hinting that you met a friend of yours. Well, you don't call me a friend any longer, do you? But then again, what do you call me in this little head of yours? Stranger? Foreigner? Buddy? Acquainted? Nothing like this at all? Some pretty bad memory you don't want to be reminded of?

Just as I had calmed down a little, I saw a glimpse of your hair, smelled a faint of your perfume, heard the hushed sound of your voice. There you were once again. I turned my head in your direction, fighting against the movement. My body betrayed me, as if I was some enemy captured inside a cage without any control over my limbs.

You looked over to me and I knew you had eventually noticed me. The blue of your eyes was as intense as ever, ripping down all of the walls I had put up during the last four months.

Do you know that I finally had a real life again? Do you know that I finally had forgotten about you? Do you know that I finally had someone to lean on to? Do you know that within one single second you had destroyed all these things?

I sighed and laid my eyes on you, like I had done hundred of times before. I smiled; you hadn't lost a glimpse of your glory. Even in the dim lights of the hospital corridors you radiated elegance, grace and magnetism. I sighed and tried to avert my gaze from your figure, from your soft features.

You were back in my life, back in my heart. If I had gotten up and taken two steps towards you, I could have touched your skin, felt your heartbeat. But I just couldn't do any of it, too scared of your reaction, too aware of the witnesses in the small waiting room.

You disappeared behind one of the "do not enter"-doors and I heaved a sigh of relief. I just wanted to get out of the hospital, leaving you behind me, withdrawing your face from my mind. I wanted to never see you again, to protect myself from all the pain you had caused me before.

How could you step into my life once more, behaving as if you didn't know me at all? How could you walk passed me, showing no reaction whatsoever? How could you look at me without surprise evident on your face? How could God want to put me through this misery again?

I blinked when I saw you a third time. My heart was pounding hard against my chest. My body was covered with goose bump. My thoughts were circling around you. I closed my eyes, hoping that once I opened them you wouldn't be there anymore, wouldn't do these strange things to me any longer.

Just like all the times before you walked away from me, turned your back on me. I watched you walking out of the ward. I watched the enticingly swaying of your hips when you left. I watched the light disappear as you went out of the room. I swallowed the lump in my throat since I felt a single tear running down my face.

Why didn't you see what you had done to me all along? Why was I too afraid to go over to you and tell, showing you the person you had turned me into? Why did you behave like I was some outsider? Why couldn't you look me fair in the face? Was it just because you didn't care or was it something deeper? Did you eventually see that you had made a mistake? Did you feel somewhat guilty for the way you treated me?

A voice pulled me out of my musings. I looked up and saw the doctor, waiting impatiently for me to react. I took a deep breath and put my everlasting mask back on, still emotional charged. I followed him into his examination room, when I saw a small Christmas tree in the hall. I laughed bitterly:

_All I want for X-Mas is you._

Ha ha, as if that was ever possible. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, pretending once again.

Fin

A/N:Can you believe that she actually treats me like this?...Well, sometimes I feel as if I'm in a really bad, trashy movie without the necessary happy end.


End file.
